End of day, out to sea....

This is being done at the very end of the day and I feel like at the end of a drainage ditch.

My mood has turned sour after a day full of disappointments. Any hope I had for a better Autumn of work was destroyed and things are just making me ill at ease. This is a season to let go of everything that holds us back, to accept change. But at times change sucks.

We are supposed to trust that God will take care of everything, the whole "are not the birds of the sky taken care of by God" thing. Yeah, true. But birds die, get hit by trucks, run into planes, and freeze to death. Bad things happen to birds. Bad things also happen to innocent people.

I am hoping  that this whole job situation works itself out, but I have never been in this place before. All my life I have been teaching guitar and doing landscaping (or crafts). I cannot figure out what to do next. I am an adult now and have responsibilities. Should there be a huge change? Can I walk away and start over?

I cannot find happiness in this situation though there are a few moments when I feel decent, but now Max is even dead. The Man is gone, the Boston Terrier who was my brother. My mother and sister made that poor dog suffer till his dying night. He deserved better. I should have but him to sleep when he was barking in pain and confusion from his eye problems. He was so goddamned miserable. He was better than that. He was beautiful and made Neitzsche look like a brain dead toad.

I feel like hell and cannot smile. Giving up all alcohol was a mistake. Then again, it is easier than last year, where I drank but had the scene of my friends cancer in my sight every second of the day. In thirty four days I will have all this stuff again. I won't see Max and I won't hold my friend at the end of it.

Like I said, all things will pass, but not necessarily the way that will make you smile.